Do You Mind?

As Mental Health Awareness Week draws to a close, I felt compelled to delve into my own understandings of mental health.

What do we think of when we think of mental health?

Over the last few years the western perceptions and ideas of mental health have altered, but not dramatically enough to encourage full acceptance.

In the 1200s, Christian England deemed madness a punishment for one's sins. Where able, families cared for any 'lunatics.' Measures were taken to absolve families of the burden and many were sent to workshouses, poor houses and jails. The introduction of mental institutions were merely to detain, restrain and remove from society. Viewed as wild animals, soulless and worth much less than those more able, the afflicted were deemed lesser beings. It is only through time, discussion and observation, and deeper interventions that people began to understand more clearly different levels of and types of mental health issues.

As we develop our understanding, new ways of viewing mental health prevail. Despite there still being a stigma attached to our mental health and what that means to us as functioning members of western society, it's amazing how the use of words alter people's perceptions of this. For example, the difference between depression/being depressed/feeling depressed, panic attacks/anxiety/feeling anxious. It is fair to say that all of the above evoke different levels of emotion and concern; but why?

The severity of somebody's suffering should not be determined by their ability to explain what they are feeling. Some express this through art, others music, or writing. Some people can just explain exactly how they feel. Others cannot, they are trapped, lost for words or unable to communicate their own experience of mental health issues.

An example of my own struggle in understanding my own experience of mental health is to do with depression. For years I've thought about how to explain what my depression feels like (because each person's experience is entirely subjective.) How I feel when I can't do anything with my day, how I feel when my motivation is at 0, why I have to do certain things at certain moments - it's harder than you'd think, especially for somebody who usually has so much to say!

The only way I can explain is this. When I feel fine and my head is clear, I cannot even begin to imagine myself with depression or having no motivation. I can't imagine why I'd want to stay in bed for hours and hours on end, or why I'd have such low self esteem that if I didn't see a mirror all day I'd probably feel content. The smallest amount of negativity can flip me into a solemn state of 'low power mode.' Like my batteries are running flat and I've slowed down to energy save. What does it feel like in my head on those days? Like a loose, four sided cardboard box has nestled itself around my cranium. It sits there, the front an invisible layer so I can still see, and it's like any energy I want to exert cannot penetrate those walls. Nothing I can do can penetrate those walls. So sometimes I sleep, sometimes I sit and do nothing. Sometimes I write, mostly I am creatively blocked. I can't focus on anything other than feeling this numbing box around my head. I don't picture the box, I just feel it. But if you asked me on a good day, I wouldn't even know where to begin.

I've never been ashamed of dealing with depression, nor anxiety, obsessive compulsive disorder or eating disorders. Why should I be? I am proud of who I am and having dealt with all of these, and still having to deal with some - it feels wonderful to still be alive. It shows me that I feel, that I am me and that no amount of stigma is going to hold me back from connecting with others and talking about my experiences. All I've ever wanted to do is help and I hope that if nothing else this reaches out and shows you that you are worthwhile. That your suffering is important, no matter where you are on any prescribed scales of 'madness.' You are equally as entitled to life and love, friendship and warmth wherever you go - and don't stand for anything less.

You matter. We all matter.